‘Tis the season to treat yourself.
“I’VE GOT GADGETS AND GIZMOS APLENTY…”
—Ariel, The Little Mermaid
—Also, me, currently.
Here’s a fun fact that I probably shouldn’t share on the internet: For the past three weeks, I have been masturbating with the ferocity of a teenage boy who has just discovered the joys of Vaseline.
Yes, friends, I’ll admit it: I’ve been spending some quality time treating myself with the help of some very enchanted equipment—vibrators crafted in steel, silicone, and in one instance, Swarovski crystals, each designed for the express purpose of getting a lady off. Let me tell you, it’s been quite a ride.
It goes without saying that I did this for fun, but more importantly, for journalism…and, like, science. My journey began when my lovely editor suggested I review a bunch of vibrators for you, dear readers. I was more than happy to oblige. Several weeks have passed since that momentous day, and I have spent this time hard at work applying what are essentially power tools to my lady garden. THE THINGS I DO FOR THIS COLUMN, YOU GUYS!
What follows is a diary of my adventure.
THE VIBRATOR DIARIES
*CODE NAME: OPERATION TREAT YO’SELF *
I arrive at Coveteur HQ, where I am presented with a monster bag of sex toys. It is decorated with purple tissue paper and ribbons, which makes it less threatening. Still, I am a bit anxious about the journey home. Carrying this sack of X-rated toys around New York makes me feel like a deeply perverted Santa Claus. It occurs to me that I have become precisely the kind of person tourists are afraid to sit next to on the subway.
When I get home, I decide the best way to get started is to take stock of my existing supplies before opening my new bag of wonders. This takes all of two seconds because, evidently, while I have spent a significant amount of time interviewing people about their sex toy collections, I never put much effort into building my own.
Presently, my toolbox contains the following: a trusty no-name bullet vibrator (made of plastic, not silicone, because clearly I don’t love myself) and the We-Vibe 4 Plus, my kick-ass couples’ vibrator. Unfortunately, due to my current single status, the We-Vibe has fallen out of rotation. Can I use a couples’ vibrator solo? Yes. Will that maybe make me cry? Also yes. So, to summarize, it’s currently me and a plastic pocket rocket. How fucking tragic.
NOT FOR LONG. I crack open my bag of goodies and discover a certifiable buffet of sex toys. Fortunately for me, none of them look the least bit like a dinglehopper (yes, my Little Mermaid references are on point), so things are off to a good start. In fact, these vibrators are really quite pretty! I line them up on a shelf like trophies, and as cliché as it is to say, almost instantly I sense my house turning into a home. But there is work to be done…
First up on the Vagenda?
The Womanizer W500 Pro
Yes, the name is stupid. But get over it. The Womanizer W500 Pro deserves your attention. It will probably get it, too, for a variety of reasons. First of all, aesthetically speaking, this baby is hands-down the winner of the jazziness competition. It is FANCY, y’all! Like, partially-plated-in-gold-and-adorned-with-Swarovski-crystals fancy, in case you didn’t think I was dead fucking serious. Just holding it makes me feel like J. Lo during her “Jenny from the Block” phase, or Mariah Carey circa her entire career.
That said, decorative pussy bling is not what makes the Womanizer so special. Much like Mariah, the Elusive Chanteuse, this vibrator has one-of-a-kind capabilities. You see, unlike pretty much every other device on the market, the Womanizer doesn’t depend on vibration to get you off. Instead, it provides a light suction (yes, I agree, suction is a gross word…sorry) with just a bit of vibration via a small silicone nozzle that you position over your clit. Essentially, it mimics slow, deliberate, expertly performed oral sex—FINALLY. This is truly technological innovation at its best. Basically, you get the benefits of hooking up with an older dude who knows what he’s doing without having to talk to him about ’90s rock bands and “how much New York has changed.” This is an absolute godsend.
Results: Here’s how I would describe the experience: Imagine you are going for a nice relaxing boat ride down a lazy river, super chilled and enjoying yourself so much that you don’t notice the current is slowly picking up speed. Then all of a sudden you turn a corner and BOOM you are on the precipice of a big-ass waterfall. You and your boat careen over the edge of said waterfall, you have an out-of-body experience, and when you come up for air you believe in God again.
Best for: Everyone. Literally every vagina should experience this.
To indulge more, read the rest here!